What is a Trauma Response?
I feel frozen today.
My to-do list is a mile long. I have specific goals for the week, but I can’t get past the mental block to actually do any of them. At the same time, my brain is working on overdrive to convince me I am a failure for not sticking to the schedule. Today, I was supposed to write about intimate partner violence, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to put the words down because I am waiting to hear if I have to be in court tomorrow. A lot rides on this court appearance. It could lengthen the legal journey I’ve been on even further, or it could expedite it, but at this point, it’s one of a long string of appointments that were set and ultimately canceled at the last minute.
With my PTSD diagnosis, stability is a huge factor in my feeling emotionally safe. I’ve yet to figure out how to explain to my legal team the mental toll every step of this process has taken. Working myself up to feel prepared to face these next steps while not being sure if it will be canceled again has left me in a state of functional freeze, which is its own kind of hell. I’ve started writing several times and only put a handful of words down before opening a new tab to refresh my e-mail once again.
If you were in my house with me right now, on the outside, you’d see me going about my regular routine. I took my son to his activities. I followed my morning routine, but inside, my mind felt like I was climbing through a sticky tar pit. It feels like everything around me is going at warp speed while I sit completely still.
What is functional freeze? To understand this, we first have to look at what trauma is.
Trauma is a lasting emotional response stemming from a distressing or overwhelming event that is experienced as physically or emotionally harmful, often causing significant disruption to a person’s well-being and functioning.
A stressful event becomes trauma when it overwhelms a person’s ability to cope with the experience and its impact on their life. Long-term trauma can leave lasting emotional, psychological, and physical effects, and for people like me, it’s an extra barrier we have to work through to function semi-normally.
When looking at trauma and how a person responds to it, there are four regularly recognized trauma responses:
Fight: can look like angry outbursts, explosive moments, impulsive decisions, a need for control, demanding perfection from self or others
Flight: Can look like a workaholic, over-thinking, anxiety or panic attacks, trouble sitting still, perfectionism
Freeze: can look like difficulty making decisions, feeling stuck, dissociation, self-isolation, feeling numb
Fawn: can look like people pleasing, lacking a sense of self, little to no boundaries, constantly overwhelmed, co-dependent
Trauma responses are a result of a psychological wound. A mind can only bear so much. If you put enough pressure on a bone, it will snap. The bone needs healing care, and the same is true for trauma.
The tricky part is understanding that you may have multiple trauma responses working at a time. What I call functional freeze is actually a combination of flight and freeze at once, and the different instincts work against each other. Part of me wants to work to stave off the panic attacks, while simultaneously, another part of me is stuck without knowing what direction to move.
I understand that my emotional needs are more complex than they used to be. I need a lot of reassurance and often work to give myself that sense of comfort, but there are times when I need outside support. Learning how to articulate the support I need has been a challenge, but it’s been a lifesaver to know I can turn to people when I need help feeling emotionally safe.
Once you start learning how your mind and body respond to stressors and trauma, you can begin to work through these responses. Today, I am honoring the frozen part of my mind by allowing myself to stray from my schedule and write about a topic that is currently at the forefront of my mind. I am also honoring my flight response by reminding myself that my world hasn’t actually come to a complete standstill.
I spent years feeling like I wasn’t worthy of basic care and affection, but now I choose to honor my healing journey, and change my story.
If you have experienced trauma and you are struggling, please know that it’s okay. You will have good days, and you will have bad days but try to remember to be gentle with yourself. You need healing, and that takes time and care.
