Warning Signs I Wish I Knew
Before I was abused
If I had access to a Delorean, I’d beg Doc to take me back in time so I could wave a great big red flag in my own face every time I failed to spot a warning sign of abuse cause: Honey (me to me), there were signs.
Psychological abuse, or emotional abuse, is generally recognized as behavior meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. Being exposed to emotional abuse can lead to some pretty serious long-term effects, including psychological trauma, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and chronic illness.
This type of abuse often starts out subtle, training you little by little to tolerate their behavior. Now, having my very own PTSD badge of honor, I really, really wish I had known what to look for.
Looking back at my relationship, I can see there were red flags from the beginning. I just didn’t know what to look for. Since I don’t have access to a Delorean, these are the signs I wish I had seen:
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: Both are a form of psychological abuse. Basically, what happens is the abuser does their very best to distort the truth. It may look like denying things they have previously said or flat-out denial of their actions. They manipulate you until you side with their version of reality. This leaves the victim questioning their memory and makes them feel like they are going crazy. I found photos on his phone sent to another woman and, “I miss you, babe.” When confronted, I was met with anger and, “That message was clearly meant for you!” Later, the lies got much bigger, and the reaction more intense. He blacked out in a hotel room and said he had no idea what happened, but his room was trashed, and a large chunk of money was missing. He maintained someone must have gotten into his phone and used his Venmo, but he had zero memory of the night. How can he be held responsible for something they don’t remember and were clearly a victim of?
- Lack of Empathy: on the surface, they may seem apologetic and sincere, but their understanding of hurting you doesn’t stop their behavior. Make no mistake, they know what they’re doing, and they know it will hurt you. They just don’t care. His lying to me about drinking was a big issue in my relationship. The sad thing is, I still don’t know how many years it went on behind my back. There were already multiple areas of trust issues, but they would still go out drinking and deny it until someone else accidentally told me about some antics they got up to. He knew exactly how I felt about hiding his substance usage and why, but it still didn’t matter.
- Need to be Admired: No matter what they do, they want the best possible light to shine on them. Typically, the bulk of the housework was left to me because that was my “job.” He did the dishes one night because I was tired, which would easily turn into, “Oh, Karly was having a really rough time, so I helped her with the dishes.” Making him the hero to my ailing woman in other people's minds. More than that, they want to appear as important, influential figures. He used to tell grand tales about his military background and the important work he did at his current job, but always with the lens of what made him so impressive. Abusers will talk up the work they do and often show off their material goods to prove how impressive they are.
- Exploitation of Others: If there is an opportunity to take advantage of someone else, they’ll take it. If they’re broke, they might spin a pity party and borrow money without any intention of paying it back. Or, they may act helpless and rely on their partners to do anything domestically around the house. There were many times when we were both sick at the same time, but I was the one managing the house, kids, meals, and caring for their illness at the same time. It didn’t matter how sick I felt. He went to bed to rest, knowing I would pick up the slack. I can remember being pregnant during a time when my other children and I all had stomach bugs. I was alternating between being sick on the toilet and racing to take care of a child throwing up while he took a nap.
- Controlling behavior: This one is particularly interesting because it could be blatant—controlling finances, what you wear, or needing permission to spend time with friends—but it can also be very subtle. It could involve slowly isolating you from your friends and loved ones. It might not even look like they’re controlling, but something like a lack of reliable transportation or subtle things to leave you entirely dependent on them. I used to feel lucky that I wasn’t in a controlling relationship, and now I cringe at the thought. At the end of the day, I relied on him for everything. It’s the ultimate control. I couldn’t attend school or get a part-time job because his schedule changed frequently, and I was “the stability at home.” At several points in this relationship, I didn’t have a reliable vehicle and was forced to stay home for weeks or months because “we couldn’t afford the repairs.” And they needed their vehicle for work.
- Sense of Entitlement: Your abuser will always think they deserve special treatment. It doesn’t matter if there will be enough money left to buy you a birthday present, as long as they get one. Their cars will always be nicer because they deserve it. Their phones are newer, or they always find extra money for their hobbies, but you better budget for yours. I noticed this discrepancy years before the relationship ended and figured they work full-time, so I guess it makes sense. What didn’t make sense was the way that if I spent time or money on myself in any capacity, he needed more than I got. I drove an old Honda Pilot my parents gave me for free into the ground. It had close to 350,000 miles on it by the time it finally bit the dust. I never thought I’d be a minivan person, but that’s what I ended up with. It was a slightly older model but felt like a luxury vehicle with low mileage and working AC. Within weeks of buying a minivan that fit the budget, he traded in his slightly older truck that didn’t have a monthly payment for a bigger, better truck with nicer features than my minivan because “he had been working so hard.” I told him clearly how I felt, feeling anxious to get ahead financially and already having on car payment. I was uncomfortable and asked him to wait to purchase himself a new vehicle so we didn’t have two car payments at once. He came home with the truck.
- Devaluation: The aim here is to make you feel less than. They want you to feel like you are unimportant enough for them to value. This can be shown in various ways, such as a lack of daily care or never asking how your day was. They might ignore important dates or holidays in your life. Basically, they will do anything and everything they can to make you feel worthless. I never felt valued in that relationship, and it was always painfully obvious to me that he mostly cared about how easy I made his life rather than valuing me as a person. The biggest realization came after I had spent months re-building my sense of self-worth. I had hobbies, friends, and things that made me happy. It seemed like the more I grew as a person, the more frustrated he was with home life. I often heard things like, “I’d spend more time with you if we had anything in common.” I stayed much longer than I should have in that relationship. I didn’t value myself and didn’t believe anyone else would want me either. I took the scraps of affection that were available to me and did the best I could.
There was always some reason for me to choose to believe what my abuser wanted me to believe. Early in the relationship, I noticed that any time he did something that hurt my feelings, I was met with a cookie-cutter apology, and it was just expected that I’d move on. Forgive and forget. It was just that easy in his mind. He did something harmful but said sorry, so it’s fine.
If I brought up past pain again, for example: the second time, I caught him talking to another woman. I heard her voice on his phone, and he immediately lied. Only to turn around and say he would have told me his real plans if I hadn’t freaked out about the girl before. Taking the blame off his shoulders for lying and directly onto mine for expressing the lasting hurt he caused.
Genuine apologies come with an understanding of the pain caused and a change of behavior, but in that relationship, the behavior never changed. He just learned that I was a seemingly endless source of forgiveness, and he knew exactly how to keep me that way. I learned to swallow my feelings and not approach him until I was perfectly calm. I had learned that if I reacted with anger or irritation at uncovering yet another lie, he would, in turn, be mad at me. I apologized to him for being mad about his lies.
I didn’t know I was stuck in a cycle of abuse, and I held on to the hope that if I just showed him that I would be forgiving, he’d realize that if he just talked to me, everything would be fine, and the lies would stop. I was being abused long before I recognized it because I didn’t know that gaslighting, manipulation, and betrayal are also forms of abuse.
The pattern of lying, denying their behavior, and shifting the blame to me or anyone but them was firmly laid in place well before the sh*t hit really and truly hit the fan.
While I wish I had gotten out well before then, I’m glad I got the wake-up call I needed.
If you relate, share the warning signs you missed in the comments section.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
