The Cycle of Abuse
Recognizing the Pattern
What is the cycle of abuse? The cycle of about is a pattern that describes the way abuse usually occurs in four stages and effectively traps the victim in an endless merry-go-round. It’s dizzying to experience and leaves the victim feeling constantly disoriented. It’s much easier in hindsight to look back and realize how abusive a relationship was than it is to see it when you’re stuck in the spinning chaos. It feels like you’re stuck in an endless swirling spin, and the reality is that this cycle does trap victims.
Looking back at my life, I can see how clearly this cycle played out step by step. There were the good days, followed by days of walking on eggshells and trying to anticipate and stay a step ahead of what could set him off. I remember the heart-sinking feeling of the front door opening. Knowing just from the sound of it if he was in a bad mood, and trying my best to state off the inevitable. I always felt like if I tried hard enough by making sure the kids were quiet or out of the way, offering for him to have days away from us, or suggesting he take some time for himself—I’d avoid the inevitable blowup. Eventually, the emotional storm would pass, and I’d begin to think everything would be okay again- if I could just keep things calm and peaceful.
I spent years placating and trying to keep the peace. Unfortunately, all it did was exhaust me. Then I’d start to wonder how we could keep living like that. I felt helpless. I knew something needed to change, but I had no idea how to go about it. I didn’t know that I was stuck spinning around in the cycle of abuse. At the time, I thought if we could just communicate better, we’d figure out a solution. There were countless conversations held over the years about how we could work together to have a more peaceful home life, but the solutions were always left to me, and they were never enough.
It’s easy for outsiders to look in and ask, “Why didn’t you leave?” The answer for myself and numerous other victims is that leaving the relationship didn’t feel like a possibility. The cycle of abuse is designed to keep victims trapped, and it’s incredibly effective at doing so because your world never stops spinning. Just when you begin to have hope that things will get better, the cycle starts over, and you go right back to trying to walk on eggshells.
The cycle of abuse was introduced in the 1970s by psychologist Lenore Walker in “The Battered Woman,” which detailed women who had experienced long-term abuse.
“The cycle of violence theory is based on the idea that domestic violence occurs in a recurring cycle of three stages: tension-building, the acute battering incident, and the loving contrition or honeymoon stage.”
Since then, we’ve added a fourth stage to Dr. Lenore’s theory.
Tension Building:
This phase can last for days or weeks. The abuser seems easily irritated over little things. It feels like a ticking time bomb that their partner is unable to predict when it will go off. Oftentimes, there can be external forces at play, such as financial problems, addiction, or issues at work, that the abuser brings home to their partner to diffuse. This leads to walking on eggshells or trying to stay a step ahead of their partner's anger. The tension continues to build until eventually…
The Incident:
Something sets the abuser off, and they lash out, which can lead to verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. The incident may not look the same every time, either. At times, it can be verbally berating the victim or storming out of the house, leaving the victim wondering if they are coming back. It could look like tossing furniture over or breaking things. Regardless, the abuser snaps in one way or another. An important note: the abuse can escalate over time, the anger can become worse, and the danger escalates every time. Just because it’s “not that bad” doesn’t mean it won’t get worse.
Reconciliation:
The abuser knows what they’ve done, even if they don’t want to admit it, but they want to maintain the level of control over their victim. They don’t want their victims to leave, so they try to smooth things over. The victim may experience love bombing or promises to change during this phase, which further adds to the victim's confusion. This is an act of coercion intended to keep the victim in the relationship.
Calm:
During the calm stage, explanations are made to excuse away the abuse. For example, an abusive partner might say they’re sorry and blame some external factor putting pressure on them. The attempts to justify the behavior and shift the blame away from themselves serve to minimize just how bad things got. At times, the abuser may also blame the victim, leading them to feel like they have to make up for the abuse they suffered. Often, the abuser will seem sorry and promise that things will change and may try to show that they are improving. The victim, feeling relieved that the incident is over wants to believe that this time, things really will change…
But it doesn’t last.
It is incredibly hard to see the abuse happening from inside the relationship. The cycle of abuse repeats itself over and over again, and the cycle begins again and stays that way until the victim is finally able to step off the merry-go-round.
