Six Steps to Physical Healing
After Emotional Abuse
A few weeks ago, I had the uncomfortable realization that I was experiencing internal bleeding.
I was terrified and wondered what that meant for the severe stomach troubles I had been dealing with for well over a year. Almost immediately, I made drastic lifestyle changes to switch to an anti-inflammatory diet and waited nervously for my appointment with a gastroenterologist.
Unfortunately, I have a long history of my symptoms being dismissed or ignored by doctors. It takes a lot for me to go into a doctor's office, but internal bleeding feels like one of those things that absolutely should not be ignored.
My heart was pounding from anxiety by the time they brought me back to a room to take my blood pressure. I grinned sheepishly as the nurse told me my blood pressure was high and explained that I was nervous. I sat and went over a detailed account of the symptoms I had been experiencing and felt an enormous wave of relief as the doctor immediately honed in on the possibility of Crohn’s or Celiac disease based on the severity of my symptoms. My stomach troubles come with a side dish of joint pain and occasional low-grade fever. It has a distinct pattern of joint pain and muscle weakness, followed by intense stomach cramping and repeated trips to the bathroom. Trust me when I say It’s not a good time.
I hoped for answers as the doctor ordered a colonoscopy, endoscopy, and blood tests. During the prep work for the colonoscopy, I couldn’t help but laugh a little because I was expecting to feel the kind of stomach cramping I usually experience, but the colonoscopy prep was nothing compared to my normal levels of pain. In comparison, the worst part was being on a liquid diet, and that’s saying something. After I woke up from the anesthesia, the nurses showed me pictures of the inflammation in my stomach and esophagus and commented on how much it must hurt. Again, I felt relief because there was hope that they would find an answer.
As I waited for my test results for the next week, I felt that same wave of relief that I would know what was happening to me. The day of my appointment to get my results came, and the wave crashed into me as I left the office without answers. The results for celiac were negative, and I’m assuming Crohn’s was also negative, but the doctor was rushed and distracted, thrown off by the images taken during my scopes being in the wrong order.
The inflammation that led to my upper GI tract bleed was real, but there was no definite answer as to why it was happening. I left the office feeling numb. How could I go from being taken so seriously to being dismissed?
What is causing inflammation so severe that it leads to internal bleeding? What are my next steps? I had no answers, and as my day progressed, I began to wonder if I was over-exaggerating my pain.
Maybe it wasn’t really that bad.
I must seem so ridiculous and dramatic with all of my dietary restrictions for no reason.
It must all be in my head.
After years of gaslighting and manipulation, I can see how my mind immediately went to that negative head space. The bits of knowledge I had in my mind began to fight with each other.
Long-term emotional abuse can lead to PTSD, and both can cause digestive issues. I have previously been diagnosed with PTSD, and I can track the truly severe stomach issues beginning with a major life stressor. However, the idea that it was “all in my head” was devastating.
The pain I experience is real, I’ve seen the pictures of my insides, and it is serious enough to mimic something akin to Crohn’s disease, but there may not be treatment for people like me who were abused and are sick as a result. While it’s acknowledged that PTSD can cause these issues, there isn’t enough research as to the extent of physical damage it can do. It’s the silent elephant in the room because no one wants to acknowledge that the severe bouts of sickness I endure may be from the emotional abuse I suffered through.
It feels awful to know that, on top of everything else, my health feels like it was stolen from me, and worse to know that unless a medical answer can be found, treatment will come through a series of trial and error.
The reality for me, and for many other survivors, is that emotional abuse can destroy your life without ever having a finger laid on you.
Physical effects of emotional abuse:
Emotional abuse can lead to physical manifestations as a direct result of the chronic stress and anxiety caused by the abuse. Survivors of emotional abuse may encounter:
- Heart palpitations: you may experience your heart racing, skipping a beat, or fluttering in your chest in connection to your abuse, and not due to a medical issue
- Stomach ulcers: an open sore in your stomach that can cause burning pain in your stomach, feeling full easily, or acid reflux
- Sleep disturbances: trouble falling asleep or staying asleep is common in people who have experienced emotional abuse
- Chronic pain: mental and physical pain can manifest as joint, muscle aches, headaches, and more
- Autoimmune disease: psychological stress may impair the immune system, which leads to an increased risk of developing an autoimmune disease
- An increased risk of cardiovascular disease: chronic stress can lead to chronic whole-body inflammation, which then leads to a buildup of plaque in the arteries
- Digestive issues: studies have shown a connection between the brain and the gut, leading to painful digestive issues.
Emotional abuse can have a direct impact on a survivor's health in so many different ways, and as I have experienced, it often takes a frustratingly long time to rule out medical causes for the physical symptoms experienced.
Healthcare is a luxury in the United States; even with health insurance, the expense of testing for these issues can often be a barrier to survivors who are just looking to feel better. If you have experienced emotional abuse and are left with lingering physical effects, here are six steps you can take to help on your healing journey:
- Feel Your f*cking Feelings: acknowledging and accepting the wide range of emotions you may experience after emotional abuse is an uncomfortably crucial step toward healing. Your feelings of anger, grief, sadness, or loss are valid and real. Just as adults hold space for children with big feelings, learning to hold that space within yourself teaches you that you are someone worthy of being heard. You don’t have to be happy all of the time, and it’s important to allow yourself to experience all emotions.
- Find Your Support Network: Abuse survivors need a safe space, whether that is an online support group, friends, family, or a trusted therapist. Having a safe space to talk about your ups and downs will help validate your experiences as you learn to heal from the trauma of the abuse. More than that, your support network will help you feel more connected as you embark on what can feel like a lonely road to healing.
- Creative Expression: It is crucial to find a way to feel comfortable expressing the broad range of emotions that come with recovering from emotional abuse. Picking a medium that feels most comfortable to you, such as painting, journaling, photography, or poetry, can help you process difficult-to-explain emotions.
- Mindfulness and self-care: Taking the time to practice mindfulness and self-care can help support you during times of stress. Yoga and meditation often come to mind, but there are other routes, such as swimming laps, pottery, jewelry making, or crocheting, for those who don’t enjoy meditation. Everyone has different things that soothe them; find what makes you feel relaxed, even if that means turning on a horror film in the name of self-care.
- Dietary Changes: As discussed above, the connection between the mind and the gut is strong. Trauma can deeply upset your gut health, and it may be that certain foods that previously didn’t bother you now cause issues. Starting small with more whole, unprocessed foods can help before moving into large dietary restrictions as needed. It may be helpful to work with a doctor or nutritionist to resolve the issue.
- Create a Personal Tool Kit: A dysregulated nervous system can lead to more health impacts, but learning not only how your mind and body respond to stress but also tools to support yourself will allow you to begin to feel like you are back in control of your health. Finding a regular routine that you can put into place as soon as you first feel the warning signs of your nervous system will help you recover.
It’s important to remember that healing isn’t linear; often, it’s quite the opposite. Healing is messy and exhausting, and it can often take a lot of trial and error to figure out what works best for you. It doesn’t feel fair that after enduring so much, emotional abuse survivors must then work so hard to reclaim their health, but please be patient with yourself.
I was devastated to learn that my dysregulated digestive system may stem from my abuse, but that doesn’t mean that the pain I experience isn’t real. It’s very real, even if there isn’t a label to put on it.
Your pain is real, too.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
