Sexual Coercion
Let’s Talk About It.
Please consider this a trigger warning to sensitive topics surrounding sexual relations within a relationship.
“I just want to make love to my beautiful wife.”
Hearing those words made me sick every time because I knew it meant I’d have to cave. I still can’t stand the phrase “making love”. Hearing any version of it basically makes me immediately drier than the Sahara. There are a few exceptions to that rule, notably the song “Business Time” by Flight of the Conchords. Which, ironically, is a pretty perfect example of sexual coercion wrapped in a hilarious package.
Last night, I was recording an episode for my upcoming podcast, What Lies Buried. It’s a safe space for abuse survivors to share their stories with the option to stay anonymous. My mind is still reeling after recording this episode because I didn’t expect to be handed a forgotten memory. One of my guests was someone I knew during my single days. I have not gone back to listen to the recording for an exact quote yet, but she said something along the lines of, “Do you remember a phone call we had where you were telling me that he had come back from military training and you didn’t want sex, but he pushed it? I told you that was marital rape, and you told me no, he’s my husband, it wasn’t like that. That was around when we stopped talking.” Before this, I was aware that I had experienced sexual coercion within the confines of that relationship. I have countless memories before and after, but I have absolutely no memory of this event or the phone call.
Memory loss is common among trauma survivors. In an effort to protect ourselves, our minds hide things from us. I am positive I have forgotten quite a lot of memories that are better left unburied. I imagine that, at the time, I was uncomfortable with the label and didn’t know what to do with it, so I buried it. I don’t know if the memory of that conversation will ever come back, and I’m not sure I want it to, but I do want to talk about sexual coercion, so let’s dig in.
What is sexual coercion?
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, guilted, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone, and that in itself is a form of sexual trauma.
Much like other forms of emotional abuse, sexual coercion can be difficult to recognize because it’s not as obvious as other forms of abuse. Sexual coercion usually stays within the confines of verbal or emotional pressure. There may not be physical aggression, but make no mistake about it: the victims of sexual coercion are being manipulated into sexual acts. That is not consent. Consent is an agreement that is freely given and can be withdrawn at any time. If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring you, it’s not consent. You never have to have sex when you don’t want to. Sexual coercion happens when someone won’t accept no as an answer. Turning down a sexual act should end the conversation, but if they keep pushing or trying to convince you to change your mind until you cave, it’s sexual coercion.
Every single person has the right to decide when they do and do not want to be intimate. Being in a relationship does not mean automatic consent, but sexual coercion can happen outside of romantic relationships as well. The bottom line is if a person makes you feel pressured or uncomfortable after you have denied sex, that is coercion.
Sexual coercion can manifest in several different ways, but here are a few examples of what a victim of sexual coercion may experience.
Emotional Manipulation:
This can happen when a person withholds communication or contact until they get what they want. They might refuse to talk to you or try to make you feel bad until you give them sex. If you tell your partner that you aren’t feeling well or are too tired for sex, and they tell you something like, “You’d feel a lot better if we had sex.” That’s manipulation; when someone weaponizes emotions to convince you to do what they want, it’s coercion. Emotional manipulation may also look like storming off, angrily huffing, or slamming doors when denied sex.
Badgering:
This is when a person asks over and over again until the victim gives in. They may beg or constantly push for sexual acts. The person is relentless in the pursuit of getting what they want, and it feels easier for the victim to go along with it than to keep saying no. It’s a relentless quest for sexual activity where they often don’t take no for an answer. Agreeing to sexual acts to get a partner to stop harassing you is not consent.
Sneaking in Non-consensual Sex Acts:
There can be times when you have consented to some sexual activities, but the partner takes advantage of that to push unwanted sex acts on the victim. Even if you didn’t audibly say no, that doesn’t make it a yes. It feels incredibly violating to have unwanted sex acts performed on you, even if you initially agreed. It can feel intimidating to say no at the moment, leading victims to say nothing, but a lack of no is not an automatic yes.
Guilt Trips:
Weaponizing guilt so that a victim feels like they can’t say no is another common tactic. It’s especially prevalent in relationships where your feelings for the person can be used against you. For example, expecting sexual acts on birthdays or holidays as if it’s a right. They may also act like the victim has done something wrong, making them feel that to fix the situation, they have to have sex.
Making You Feel Obligated:
This happens when a victim feels obligated to have sex. It’s never your duty to have sex, but some people feel entitled to sexual relations within a relationship. Religion can often be weaponized as well as a way of making you feel like you have to do your duty. A healthy relationship has trust and respect, but making sexual demands based on relationship status is a direct violation of this.
Feeling Helpless:
This can happen when a victim has learned by experience that they are unable to refuse sex because they have repeatedly seen that their partner will ignore their refusals. This may mean that the victim does not say no at times, but that doesn’t mean it’s not coercion. It just means that they have learned that their resistance doesn't matter.
Please note: The examples I gave are often experienced within the confines of a romantic relationship. However, it is possible to experience sexual coercion in other aspects of a person's life, including work, friendships, or school. There are many different ways sexual coercion can manifest, but a good rule of thumb is that if you feel uncomfortable or pressured in any way, it’s coercion.
Sexual coercion is a form of abuse. Learning that it’s easier to give in or just get it over with is an act of survival. It can be difficult to call it abuse or assault because you know that you froze or gave in. If that feels like you, please be gentle with yourself because what happened to you isn’t okay, and you are not responsible for what happened.
The road to my experiences with sexual coercion was paved early on due in large part to the religion we shared. It was my duty to say “no,” but the other person involved would push until I caved, leaving me with deep feelings of guilt and shame. Being pushed or guilt-tripped into sex was normal to me, but that is not normal within the confines of a healthy relationship.
Sexual coercion can be deeply traumatizing. I take pride in the work I’ve done to heal and reclaim my sexuality, but like all forms of emotional healing, it took quite a bit of work and self-discovery. If you have experienced sexual coercion, please remember that experiencing sexual coercion is never, ever your fault. While there are resources available online, you may find it helpful to work through the effects of sexual coercion with a trusted therapist.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
