Learned Helplessness
and Emotional Abuse
I recently heard a term that rocked my world because of how perfectly it described me: learned helplessness.
Learned helplessness is a form of psychological paralysis that can occur after a person experiences a stressful situation repeatedly. They begin to believe that they are unable to change or control a situation and often struggle to take action in ways that could bring the change they seek.
I can remember the fear and paralysis that would take over after a traumatic event with my abuser. It felt like a hive of bees took over my mind, filling it with a low buzzing sound. My lips felt numb and my tongue heavy as I explained to trusted people what I was experiencing, knowing I needed to leave the relationship, but I couldn’t properly explain why I felt so completely unable to do anything about it.
“Why are you letting him treat you like this? Stand up for yourself!”
It felt impossible to explain that I had already learned that speaking up, demanding change, or seeking direct answers only meant exposing myself to harsh words, gaslighting, and blame-shifting. For example, during a particularly tumultuous period, I was attempting to find my courage and set boundaries within the relationship. It took a long time to work up the nerve to express what I would not tolerate, and when I finally did, it was all thrown back in my face. I was told that I was the problem, not him, and I was the one who needed help because there wasn’t anything wrong with him. I knew intellectually that what was happening was not my fault, but over time, the twisting of events made me feel on an emotional level like it was. I was terrified to do or say anything that could potentially lead to further abuse, so I did nothing.
I did nothing.
Keeping the peace was my number one priority as I tried to plan a way out, but I couldn’t see one.
Have you ever wondered why, if a person is being abused, they don’t just leave? It’s because abuse is all about control. Victims of emotional abuse have learned through conditioning that getting angry or verbally challenging their abuser is counterproductive. The abuse strips away the victim's self-esteem. Eventually, they become compliant or docile in an effort to minimize the abuse. The victim of abuse may experience shame at their complicity along with the fear and depression that comes with abuse, which eventually leads them to believe that they can’t leave, and they adapt to survive within the relationship.
“ACCORDING TO THIS THEORY, ABUSED WOMEN HAVE LEARNED THAT THEIR VOLUNTARY RESPONSES REALLY DO NOT MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE IN WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM, AND IT IS THEREFORE VERY DIFFICULT FOR THEM TO ALTER THEIR COGNITIVE PRINCIPLES TO BELIEVE THAT THEIR COMPETENT ACTIONS CAN CHANGE THEIR LIFE SITUATION.” -US Department of Justice
***Trigger warning for disturbing experiments performed on animals****
Martin Seligman first used the term learned helplessness in the 1960s as a way to describe the specific mindset where a victim doesn’t try to get out of negative situations because they already learned that they were helpless. He ran a series of experiments, which I find deeply appalling on a personal level.
Seligman would ring a bell and then give dogs a light electrical shock to condition them to expect a shock after hearing the bell. His discovery was that after they had been conditioned, the dogs reacted fearfully after hearing the bell, even if they hadn’t been shocked. He continued his study by putting the conditioned dogs in a crate where only one side would feel the shock. A low fence was placed between the two sides to allow the dogs to avoid the shocks. He then brought in a group of dogs that had not been conditioned by the bell and shocks. These dogs jumped over the fence to avoid the shock, while the dogs who had experienced the conditioning lay down and gave up. Proving his theory of learned helplessness.
While the notion that any living creature would be terrorized to test a theory is deeply upsetting, Seligman was able to show the parallels to human behavior. Victims of emotional abuse become conditioned to their treatment, much as the dogs were conditioned to accept the shocks. Once a victim has experienced deep emotional distress, they begin to expect it in other scenarios or think that they are powerless to do anything about it.
What does learned helplessness feel like?
- feeling frustration
- feeling a lack of control over the outcome of situations
- struggling to ask for help
- lack of motivation
- giving up easily
- low self-esteem
- acting overly passively
Learned helplessness can make it even harder for emotional abuse survivors to handle further stressful situations as they tend to enter a frozen-like state, unable to confront the stressor. Learned helplessness may also increase other mental health conditions like depression and anxiety and is linked to PTSD. The feeling of being helpless may last in a victim even after they have left the abusive relationship.
“These techniques induce dependency, dread, and debility…the victim tends to become immobilized by the belief that they are trapped, cannot escape. This heightening of fear, helplessness, dependency, and dread are all intertwined in the definition and dynamics of abuse.” -US Department of Justice on abuse power dynamics
After I left my abuser, while I felt a wild sense of freedom, when looking at what it would take to rebuild my life, I felt that same level of helplessness.
For months of my recovery, I felt completely unable to put any effective plans to change my life into place. Change, even positive change, is deeply frightening once you have experienced abuse, and small hiccups only confirmed in my mind that life wouldn’t get better.
The urge to give up and accept my life for what it was- an emotional wasteland, was so strong. At times in my recovery journey, the urge to self-sabotage my progress was so strong because even though my life was so much better, moving forward felt terrifying.
Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.
Even now, each small step I take toward a better future has to be broken down into baby steps because I also have to work through the mental conditioning that tells me I can’t succeed. Memories of feeling worthless left deep scars on my mind, and I have to continually work against the thought patterns I developed after years of feeling like nothing I did ever really made a difference.
Learned helplessness has a lasting impact on victims, but it can be overcome with time and patience. Just as we were programmed to believe we could not change our reality, we can re-train our brains to rebuild our self-esteem with time, patience, and therapy. It is possible to feel confident and in control of your life again.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
