Is Emotional Abuse a Form of Domestic Violence?
Spoiler: Yes
Recently, on one of my Instagram reels, a commenter was upset by my usage of the term domestic violence instead of domestic abuse. Their comment read:
“I think you mean domestic abuse. Violence is just that, violent. The dictionary definition of violence is using physical force to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.”
I actually see where this person is coming from because, for a long time, I didn’t realize that domestic abuse and domestic violence are one and the same thing. In a way, even after acknowledging that I was abused, I downplayed it by telling myself it could have been worse. I never had hands laid on me, and for a long time, I believed that what happened to me wasn’t that bad because of it, which led me to dismiss the very real pain I felt as a result of my abuse.
The use of the word violence in an intimate partner relationship makes people uncomfortable, and I understand that.
It makes me uneasy as well.
It’s taken me years to understand that while I don’t have physical scars on my body, emotional abuse leaves profound psychological scars that can be just as damaging as physical wounds. When I read this person's comment, my past conditioning kicked in, filling me with shame and the belief that I must be wrong. I resisted the urge to apologize profusely for sharing information I knew to be true, but I resisted the urge to fawn by fact-checking myself. Here is the definition of Domestic Violence from the US Department of Justice:
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
Still, the leftover voice in my head from abuse told me I must be wrong because someone else said I was. So, let’s look at physical vs emotional abuse:
Physical Abuse: Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person or animal by way of bodily contact. In most cases, children are the victims of physical abuse, but adults can also be victims, as in cases of domestic violence or workplace aggression.
Emotional Abuse: Psychological abuse, often known as emotional abuse or psychological violence, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to a behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, clinical depression or post-traumatic stress disorder amongst other psychological problems.
While our brains do distinguish the difference between physical and emotional harm, similar areas of the brain respond to each perceived threat.
Physical Threats: the brain activates the body's fight-or-flight response. I know from my hypnotherapy training that this is called our primitive brain. It activates a survival mechanism that prepares the body to confront or escape the perceived danger. Physical abuse triggers immediate physiological reactions, like an increased heart rate and sense of awareness as your mind tries to figure out how to survive.
Emotional Threats: the brain activates the body’s fight-or-flight response. Emotional abuse often involves manipulation, intimidation, and psychological control. Victims may experience chronic stress, leading to heightened anxiety and hyper-vigilance. This constant alertness can activate the flight-or-flight response even in non-physical situations, as the brain perceives emotional threats as serious dangers.
Unlike physical abuse, the effects of emotional abuse are often invisible, which makes it harder to recognize and validate as violence. Emotional abuse leaves profound psychological scarring that can be just as damaging to a person as physical wounds. These psychological scars can manifest in several ways and affect a person’s mental health and quality of life.
Victims of emotional abuse often experience chronic feelings of being worthless. They live with heightened states of anxiety and depression, and due to the manipulation and control that comes with emotional abuse, the victim is left with a long-lasting sense of fear and helplessness well after the relationship has ended.
Long-term Psychological Effects: emotional abuse increases a person's likelihood of developing PTSD. Survivors of emotional abuse often experience trouble forming healthy relationships and are left with heightened sensitivity to criticism. These psychological scars can hinder personal growth and lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationships.
Emotional Dysregulation: Victims of emotional abuse often find it challenging to regulate their emotions. They may experience intense periods of anger, sadness, or anxiety, which reminders of their abuse can trigger. This can create a barrier to effective communication and connection with other people, which only serves to isolate the victim further.
Self-Perception and Identity: Emotional abuse distorts the way a victim sees themselves due to the warped way their abuser has taught them to view themselves. Manipulation by the abuser can lead to internalized negative beliefs, where the victim may see themselves as unworthy or incapable. This distorted self-perception can affect decision-making, career choices, and personal relationships and continues the cycle of abuse and self-doubt.
The psychological scars from emotional abuse are deep and multifaceted and impact multiple areas of a survivor's life. Healing from these scars takes time, support, and professional help to develop healthier patterns.
Invisible scars are no less painful just because they can’t be seen by the outside world as physical abuse can leave. Acknowledging that emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence does not downplay the severity of the physical violence the victim suffers.
We should use the term Domestic Violence to describe emotional abuse, even if it’s uncomfortable, because, like a splash of cold water, it sharply reminds us that you don’t have to use force to be violent.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
