How to Overcome Sexual Coercion
And Have a Healthy Sex Life
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, guilted, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone, and that in itself is a form of sexual trauma. For a more in-depth explanation of sexual coercion, please see my previous article. Victims of sexual coercion may experience the following things after their assault:
- Fear responses to reminders of the assault
- strong feelings of guilt or shame
- Loss of interest in sex
- Feeling like you are losing control
- Flashbacks of the event
- Fear of the assaulter
- Brain fog or trouble focusing
- Developing a negative self-image
- Feeling “dirty”
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Disruptions in close relationships
How do we overcome sexual coercion? I experienced sexual coercion for years to the point where I dreaded and avoided sexual encounters as often as possible. For me, the first stage in healing almost always comes down to education. Educating yourself about what sexual coercion is will give you the knowledge to fully understand why what happened to you feels so terrible.
- Talking to close, trusted friends. This can feel uncomfortable or embarrassing, so please stay within your comfort level. It’s hard to open up and talk about it, especially when you’re not fully sure what happened.
- Working directly with a therapist trained in trauma or sexual abuse. They are professionals for a reason and have a wealth of knowledge to help you recover.
- Support groups, either online or in person. Oftentimes, the level of anonymity in online groups can give victims a sense of comfort and make it easier to talk about, while in-person groups offer more face-to-face connection.
Trauma of all sorts will steal parts of us, and when it comes to sexual coercion, intimacy can often feel stolen as well. It takes time and effort to reclaim those lost pieces. I tend to be a very introspective person. I enjoy deep thought and exploring my memories and my reactions to them. In other words, I like to know what makes me tick. I wanted to reclaim my sexuality. I have a few different approaches to my personal healing from sexual coercion. Here are a few other things that worked well for me.
Reading romance novels: Smut it up. Reading allows you to explore, find out what you like and don’t like, and open your mind to new scenarios without another party involved. During my experiences with sexual coercion, I was terrified to explore anything that I liked because I was afraid that the more I talked about it, the more pushing for intimacy I’d receive. Reading safely bypassed that and gave me the opportunity to discover what turns me on and, when I’m ready, what I’d be interested in trying. On another level, romance novels often gave me road maps for qualities in men I’d like to experience that were different from what I had previously known.
Creative writing: This is kind of a side quest to the reading because I enjoy writing just as much as I enjoy reading. I love imagining my own scenarios and writing them down, which takes it a step further in my mind than reading alone. Instead of picturing other characters, it becomes easier to picture myself, even though none of my characters are based on me. A few of these stories are available on Amazon under my name, plus one under a humorous pen name. Writing is an act of healing to me, and letting my mind explore options I previously never would have considered has been incredibly healing.
Self-exploration: There are a number of ways to explore yourself; for me, it looked like finding outfits and makeup that made me feel attractive and confident. As a lifelong lover of photography, I found a lot of empowerment in exploring my sensual side through the art of photography, and I enjoy the process of taking pictures that make me feel beautiful. It was important to me to learn to find myself beautiful and sensual by myself as a step to rebuild my confidence.
Shadow Work: Carl Jung created shadow work, which is the process of exploring the unconscious or wounded aspects of oneself. Trauma, repressed fear, the desire to grow and heal, and your desires can all be explored and examined within shadow work. I like to call it practicing extreme self-love because it involves finding the parts of yourself that have been deemed less desirable for one reason or another and learning to love them. Shadow work is the foundation of my spiritual practice and was how I learned to love the parts of myself that were deeply wounded or traumatized. Below are some starter questions for a shadow work approach to healing from sexual coercion. Please note: these can be used as journal entries or as prompts for your tarot cards.
- Why do I feel shame about my sexual nature?
- How can I feel safe while exploring my sexual desires?
- Why do I freeze in sexual encounters?
- Why do I hold my sexual nature back?
- How can I meet my own sexual needs?
Feeling safe enough to explore your sexuality after experiencing sexual coercion is a top priority in healing. I put an emphasis on personal exploration into my sensual nature, but I know that exploring with a safe partner can be incredibly healing as well. If you are working with a partner during your healing journey, look for questions you can answer together.
For healthy sex, consent must be freely given and can be withdrawn at any time. Clear communication and respect for personal boundaries is a must. Sexual coercion is a form of sexual trauma and can be part of a pattern of abuse. The effect it can have on victims is profound, but it is possible to heal with time and patience.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
