How to Overcome Learned Helplessness
After Emotional Abuse
Learned helplessness is a condition where a person has a sense of powerlessness after experiencing a traumatic event, repeated stressful situations, or emotional abuse. They believe that they are unable to change the situation, so they don’t try, even when they may have options for change available to them.
The negative mindset develops from being conditioned over time and is an unconscious reaction. No one chooses to be helpless, but after experiencing the feeling of being helpless in a traumatic situation, the victim learns not to try to avoid the situation.
***TRIGGER WARNING for animal cruelty***
There is a theory called the chained elephant theory, or Baby Elephant Syndrome, which is based on a practice used by some elephant trainers to condition young elephants to accept constraints.
They first tie a baby elephant with a chain or rope too strong to break. The elephant's struggles lead to the rope or chain burning and tearing its skin. To avoid the pain, the elephant stops trying to escape. As the elephant grows, the same ropes and chains are used, and despite the binds becoming flimsy over time, the elephant remembers the pain and doesn’t try to escape again. Eventually, the ties are removed, but the elephant still stays in its place. The elephant is conditioned to accept the restraint, which by that point is mental instead of physical. This is learned helplessness.
On an ordinary day mid-week, about three weeks after moving cross country for a new position, leaving my kids and me to prep for the move, my former partner went out of contact for several hours. When he finally got back in touch, he called to tell me how unhappy he was with our life together and suggested separation. His voice and mannerisms sounded odd, setting huge red flags off in my mind. I knew something wasn’t right beyond the obvious; being told everything about our life made him miserable.
After a lengthy conversation, he finally admitted that he had left work and was in the process of driving cross-country back toward the kids and me. The next day, I was unable to reach him by phone, and the red flag grew bigger. I called repeatedly and even asked his family to attempt to call him. It was nearing 2 pm in the afternoon before he finally answered his phone. His voice was slurred and groggy as he explained that someone must have broken into his hotel room because it was trashed. Through several conversations, he said that he thought he was drugged and had no memory of the previous night. His speech stayed slurred, and I began fearing both for his safety on the road and his mental state when he got back to us.
I called his family and asked them to convince him to turn around as he was much closer to them, and I was not sure if it was safe for him to drive. They told me he just needed to be back with us for a bit. Before he arrived, I made plans to take my children to a friend's house just to be safe. Then, I took him to the hospital to be checked over. I never got an explanation of exactly what happened in that hotel room, but in the following days, I learned that several thousand dollars were sent via Venmo. He said someone must have broken into his phone, and I didn’t know how to handle the situation.
I wish I could say that was the only time something like that happened. Over the next few months, he would disappear every few weeks, draining the bank account. At first, I tried to demand answers and set ground rules. “We need to work to prevent this from happening again.” All my efforts got me was anger directed toward me for holding him accountable and harsh words. He flung explanations at me with a language that made me mentally flinch. At times, he blamed me for his actions. One memorable time, he told me that he resented the fuck out of me and that he may not ever be able to get over the way I was questioning him.
The lies and excuses piled up, and eventually, I found myself bracing for impact every couple of weeks, knowing the cycle would repeat again and that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I felt helpless, and any reaction I gave only made things worse. This is just one example of how I became like the baby elephant and learned to be helpless.
Recovering from Learned Helplessness: please note that I highly recommend working with a mental health professional as you begin your journey to heal from learned helplessness.
- Discovering the source: look through your memories and try to pinpoint when you first began to feel helpless. Look at what was happening in your life during that time frame, and be gentle with yourself as the memories surface. You do not deserve guilt or blame for feeling helpless. Finding the root of the issue is a key factor to healing because knowing where it originates means you can start to undo the damage that was done.
- Look for Different Explanations: With learned helplessness, it can be easy to feel like everything that goes wrong is somehow your fault. Take a step back and examine the situation from a different angle. If we use my experience above as an example, at that moment, I felt like anything I did only made the experience worse, but if I take a step back and take the blame off my shoulders, I can see the real issue wasn’t me. It was a person suffering from addiction and trying to hide it.
- Challenge Negative Self-Talk: low self-esteem goes hand in hand with learned helplessness. If you notice repeating negative thoughts, write them down and then ask yourself if you would say those things to another person. If you wouldn't, below the negative thought, re-write it in a more positive way. Example: “This is never going to work. I should give up now.” Change to “This will be hard work, but I can do it.” The next time you have a negative thought, pretend like you are talking to a loved one and reframe it. Be patient, this takes time and consistency to challenge a negative self thought.
- Know Your Worth: This can be a challenge after experiencing emotional abuse, but learning to see yourself as someone of value helps restore confidence in your abilities. One of my closest friends told me about a personal brag book. Any time someone pays you a compliment, or you feel proud of something you have done, put it in the brag book. On days when your self-confidence is wavering, read through the brag book to remind yourself of what you can achieve.
- Self-care: Life stressors can feel extra hard when you are recovering from learned helplessness. Taking care of yourself needs to be a priority, and building a personalized toolkit of things that make you feel better will go a long way. From experience, giving myself the time I needed to rest felt made me panic like I was somehow extending my helplessness, but in reality, it was teaching me that I deserve to be treated with love and respect. Be patient with yourself as you learn to treat yourself gently. Self care looks different to everyone, you may enjoy a bubble bath, meditating, or practicing art. I enjoy horror movies, pickles, painting, and face masks.
Learned helplessness can be overcome, and you can not only heal, but thrive after abuse. The negative mindset developed from conditioning was not your fault, and you deserve happiness.
**Please note: I am not a mental health professional. I am writing based on my own experiences with emotional abuse. If you are experiencing abuse and need professional help, please seek out a trauma-informed therapist**
