How Sexual Coercion Appears in Intimate Relationships
When we think of sexual assault, our minds usually turn to situations involving strangers or casual encounters. We imagine overt threats or aggressive pressure that violate a person’s autonomy… But what happens when it occurs within the context of an intimate relationship? What if the person using coercive tactics is someone you trust, love, and share your life with?
That’s sexual coercion, and it can be especially sneaky in intimate relationships because it hides in plain sight. It’s the elephant in the room wrapped in the complexities of love, emotional bonds, and societal expectations of what relationships should look like. Many people struggle to identify it for what it is. In some cases, they may feel obligated to comply with the demands of their partner, believing it is a “normal” part of a relationship.
What is Sexual Coercion? Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, guilted, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone, and that in itself is a form of sexual trauma.
Much like other forms of emotional abuse, sexual coercion can be difficult to recognize because it’s not as obvious as other forms of abuse. Sexual coercion usually stays within the confines of verbal or emotional pressure.
There may not be physical aggression, but make no mistake about it: the victims of sexual coercion are being manipulated into sexual acts. That is not consent. Consent is an agreement freely given and can be withdrawn at any time. If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring you, it’s not consent. You never have to have sex when you don’t want to. Sexual coercion happens when someone won’t accept no as an answer. Turning down a sexual act should end the conversation, but if they keep pushing or trying to convince you to change your mind until you cave, it’s sexual coercion.
Coercion in Long-Term Relationships: Coercion doesn’t stop simply because there’s a deep emotional connection between two people. It’s often more challenging to identify because of the trust and love that form the foundation of the relationship. Many people believe that because they are in a committed partnership, they owe their partner sexual acts, regardless of their own desires or comfort levels.
In long-term relationships, there’s often an unspoken expectation that sex is part of the package. Many people feel that once they’ve entered into a committed relationship, they are obligated to meet their partner’s sexual needs. This can be especially true if one partner uses phrases like, “But we’re in a relationship,” or “It’s your duty as my partner.” These kinds of statements can make the other person feel like they must comply, even if they’re not in the mood or feeling comfortable.
I experienced sexual coercion for years at the hands of my former partner. I didn’t know this was a form of sexual abuse; all I knew was that it didn’t matter if I said no. Saying no just meant that he would push and push until I relented.
Emotional manipulation, as I experienced, is common in long-term relationships. One of the most common tactics is guilt-tripping. A partner might say something like, “If you loved me, you’d do this for me,” or, “You’re the only person I have; can’t you just give me what I need?” This kind of manipulation plays on the victim’s emotions, making them feel like they are selfish or uncaring for denying their partner sex, even if they don’t want to participate.
Coercion Disguised as Compromise
Coercion in relationships can often be disguised as a form of compromise. One partner might say, “We haven’t had sex in a week, and I’m starting to feel like you don’t care about me.” or “Being physically intimate helps me feel closer to you.” While this might seem like a genuine concern, it can also be a subtle form of coercion, where the partner feels they must engage in sexual activity to avoid conflict or to prove their love. True compromise in relationships involves both partners feeling heard and respected, without one person feeling pressured into something they’re uncomfortable with.
The Impact on Trust and Intimacy
Sexual coercion erodes the very foundation of what makes an intimate relationship healthy — trust, mutual respect, and open communication. When one partner feels pressured or manipulated into sex, it can lead to feelings of resentment, confusion, and emotional distance. Over time, this damages the trust and safety that are essential for genuine intimacy.
Being coerced into sexual activity can leave the victim feeling used and disconnected from their partner. Even if the coercion is subtle, it can create a sense of emotional betrayal. The victim might feel like their needs and feelings are secondary to their partner’s desires, leading to a breakdown in emotional closeness. This can create a vicious cycle where the more coercion occurs, the less connected the partners feel, ultimately damaging the relationship.
Years of coercion left me scared to show any form of intimacy or desire, even simple acts like cuddling because I knew it would lead to unwanted sex.
Sexual coercion impacts a person’s sense of self-worth. They may begin to feel that their value in the relationship is tied solely to their ability to meet their partner’s sexual demands, which leads to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and depression. Over time, they may start to internalize the idea that their comfort and boundaries don’t matter, which can have devastating effects on their mental health.
Why It’s Difficult to Recognize in Committed Relationships: Identifying sexual coercion in intimate relationships is complicated by societal norms and misconceptions about sex and consent. Many people, particularly women, have been brought up to believe that they must prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, especially when it comes to sex. This belief can make it difficult for someone to recognize when they are being coerced, as they might feel it’s their duty to “give in” or “compromise.”
There’s a pervasive idea that once you’re in love or committed to someone, you automatically consent to sex whenever your partner wants it. This isn’t true. Consent is an agreement freely given and can be withdrawn at any time. If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring you, it’s not consent.
- **Cultural Norms Around Sacrifice and Obligation**
- . Our culture often romanticizes the idea of sacrifice in relationships. We are told that love requires compromise, but this idea can be dangerous when it’s applied to sexual consent. No one should have to sacrifice their comfort, boundaries, or autonomy to maintain a relationship. It’s important to challenge the notion that saying no to sex somehow equates to a lack of love or commitment.
The last time I wrote about sexual coercion, I made a lot of folks uncomfortable because it made them stop and wonder if they had acted in a coercive way toward their partners. That feeling of discomfort is exactly why we need to have these conversations. Not everyone is coercive, but if you are worried about this pattern within your relationship, here are a few steps couples can take to have a healthier sex life with your partner:
Have Clear Conversations About Consent: Couples should discuss what consent looks like for both partners and establish a clear understanding of each other’s boundaries. This includes recognizing that just because someone has consented to sex in the past doesn’t mean they are obligated to do so in the future.
Respect Each Other’s Boundaries: Boundaries are crucial in every relationship, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. It’s essential to respect a partner’s right to say no without questioning their motives or making them feel guilty for their decision.
Check-in Regularly: It’s important to have ongoing conversations about comfort levels and boundaries. Checking in regularly with your partner about how they’re feeling can help ensure that both partners are on the same page and that consent is being freely given.
Sexual coercion in intimate relationships is a serious issue that causes lasting emotional and psychological harm. While it may be more difficult to identify in committed relationships, it’s important to recognize the signs and take steps to prevent it. Mutual respect, open communication, and clear boundaries are key to maintaining a healthy, consensual relationship. No one should feel pressured into sex — love and commitment do not override the need for consent.
