The Seven Stages of Grief
After Emotional Abuse
There are days when I feel like my grief might consume me. I feel it like a heavy weight on my chest that threatens to crush any sense of happiness I could possibly experience. In a desperate attempt to shove the weight of grief away, I seem only to multiply its weight.
Days like that are when my therapist gently reminds me that it’s okay to grieve for the life I thought I’d have.
The first time she told me that, I cringed, thinking she meant I could grieve the ending of that relationship, but I had grieved the demise of that relationship long before I left. There was nothing left to grieve by that point, but my therapist reminded me that there are many different layers of grief. It wasn’t just the end of that relationship but all of the other elements at play. The home I had to say goodbye to, and the loss of the wild sense of freedom I felt at being able to fully be myself for the first time in my life.
Those are the things I’m still grieving that make it feel like a weight on my chest. I want to run from that terribly heavy, sad feeling, but here’s the thing:
Feelings are meant to be felt.
We aren’t meant to shove them away. All feelings are meant to be felt, each serving a purpose to teach us something. Grief can show us what really matters to us. My grief shows me how much I love my friends, but if I dig a little deeper, it also shows me how much I love myself because what I am most sad about is feeling like I’m invisible again.
It’s easy to say positive vibes only. “You escaped! You should be so happy now!” …but the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are days when the sun hides behind the clouds, and rain pours from the sky, giving new life a chance to sprout from the ground. It doesn’t mean the sun will be gone forever, just as we won’t feel sad forever, but sometimes the act of grieving finally allows what has passed to be laid to rest so a new life can begin. I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my grief and finally allowing myself to feel it.
I loved my life. Now that I’ve finally allowed the wall I was keeping between my grief and me to crumble, the feeling of being trapped in this in-between state is starting to lessen, and I can see glimpses of fresh buds in the distance.
I had to love myself enough to grieve the past version of me before I could move on, and now that I have, I love the fresh blossoms of the future waiting for me.
Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly challenging. While there is a definite sense of relief at finally escaping, the process of healing and grieving is complex. When we think of grief, it’s usually associated with the loss of a loved one, but the ending of any relationship, especially an abusive one, brings its own form of grief layered with complicated emotions and unresolved trauma.
Here’s a handy dandy breakdown of the grief process after an abusive relationship has ended:
1. Understanding the Loss
One of the first steps in grieving is acknowledging the different types of loss. In an abusive relationship, you might mourn not only the person you were with but also the dreams you had, the version of them you believed in, and the sense of self you might have lost along the way. Recognizing this layered loss can be painful but essential to moving forward. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, disappointment, and even confusion that arise. Journaling can be a helpful way to process these emotions. Try writing about the dreams you once had and how they changed over time.
2. The Conflict of Love and Pain
Abusive relationships often create a unique conflict in our hearts and minds because the person who caused the pain was once someone we loved or cared for deeply. You might find yourself experiencing nostalgia for the good times or wishing things had turned out differently. This can feel frustrating or even shameful… How could you miss someone who hurt you? Take a breath; it’s okay and normal, even if it’s frustrating. Remind yourself that it’s ok to feel love for someone who wasn’t good for you, and this doesn’t invalidate your experiences. Seek validation from safe spaces, like support groups or online communities, where people can relate to your mixed emotions.
3. Reclaiming Your Identity
Abuse often erodes our sense of identity. Abusers manipulate and control, creating a dependency that might have led you to feel like you lost touch with your true self. After leaving, you need to reconnect with the person you were before the relationship and redefine yourself outside of it. Make space for self-exploration. Tarot has been an incredible tool for me to learn to connect with myself again because it acts like a mirror to our subconscious. Sometimes, a deck of cards knows me better than I know myself. Try revisiting old hobbies or new activities and create rituals that foster self-care and self-discovery. Reaffirm your boundaries and practice saying no to things that don’t serve you.
4. Forgiving Yourself
Blaming yourself is common after leaving an abusive relationship. You might ask, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” or “How did I let this happen?” The shame and guilt can weigh heavily, but healing requires forgiving yourself. You did your best to survive in a position you never would have chosen for yourself. Use positive affirmations to reinforce self-compassion, like “I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.” Consider working with a therapist or joining support groups that focus on trauma recovery and self-compassion.
5. Allowing Anger and Processing Trauma
Anger is a natural part of grieving, especially after enduring abuse. While anger may have been stifled in the relationship, allowing it to surface in a healthy way is crucial for healing. Addressing the trauma of what happened, perhaps through trauma-focused therapy, can provide a safe outlet for this. You can learn to express anger in ways that feel safe and productive, like writing unsent letters to your ex and burning them, engaging in physical activities, or working through your trauma with a therapist. Give yourself permission to feel the anger and release it.
6. Grieving the ‘What Ifs’
The “what ifs” can be one of the hardest parts of grieving. You might imagine how things could have been different if only they had changed or if you had done something differently. This is part of the grieving process, but clinging to it can keep you stuck in the past. Try to ground yourself in reality by listing how the relationship was harmful and unhealthy. Remind yourself that you deserve healthy, respectful love.
7. Rediscovering Hope and Moving Forward
As you continue to grieve and heal, hope begins to emerge. You’ll start to envision a life beyond the trauma, filled with possibilities and a renewed sense of self-worth. This is a beautiful part of the process and a sign that you’re moving forward. Begin setting new goals for yourself. Start small, like planning a trip or taking a class, and slowly build toward larger life aspirations. Focus on cultivating relationships that make you feel safe, respected, and loved.
Grieving after an abusive relationship is a deeply personal journey. There is no right or wrong way to feel grief. It takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion, and that’s okay. Remember that healing isn’t linear; some days will feel much better than others, but having days doesn’t mean you aren’t healing. The pain of this grief is real, but so is your strength. You’re going to move from surviving to thriving and reclaim a life where you are free, whole, and loved.
