Abandonment Wounds
And Emotional Abuse
Abandonment wounds are one of the most profound and challenging forms of emotional pain. They often begin in childhood and are shaped by experiences of emotional neglect, rejection, or a lack of consistent care and connection. For survivors of emotional abuse, abandonment wounds can feel like an invisible thread weaving through their lives, influencing their relationships, self-worth, and overall sense of safety.
This week, on my podcast What Lies Buried, my anonymous guest, The Abandoned Girl, and I sat down for a shadow work session, and we discovered that the triggers and wounds she had been dealing with all had a common source: abandonment.
What Is an Abandonment Wound?
Abandonment wounds form when a person feels emotionally or physically abandoned by their caregivers or loved ones during critical stages of their development. These wounds can be caused by overt acts, like a parent leaving or being absent, or by more subtle neglect, such as emotional unavailability, lack of validation, or inconsistent attention.
For survivors of emotional abuse, these wounds are often compounded by the harmful dynamics of their relationships. Emotional abuse can come with things like manipulation, criticism, gaslighting, or control, and it creates an environment where safety and trust are repeatedly violated. Eventually, these experiences reinforce feelings of unworthiness and the fear of being left or dismissed.
How Abandonment Wounds Manifest
Abandonment wounds aren’t always easy to spot. They often show up as patterns in behavior, emotions, or relationships, including:
- Fear of Rejection: A heightened sensitivity to perceived slights or criticism, often rooted in a fear of being unwanted or excluded.
- People-Pleasing: Overextending yourself to meet others’ needs in an attempt to avoid conflict or disapproval.
- Emotional Withdrawal: Shutting down or isolating yourself to preempt rejection or disappointment.
- Difficulty Trusting: Struggling to form or maintain trusting relationships, fearing that others will leave or betray you.
- Low Self-Worth: Internalizing beliefs that you are not enough or that your needs don’t matter.
The Connection: Emotional Abuse and Abandonment Wounds
Emotional abuse amplifies the effects of abandonment wounds by creating a toxic cycle of invalidation and control. Survivors often feel trapped in a paradox: deeply desiring connection yet fearing the vulnerability it requires. Emotional abusers exploit this vulnerability, using it to maintain power and deepen feelings of dependency.
For example, a survivor might grow up in a household where their emotions are dismissed or ridiculed. Over time, they learn to suppress their feelings, believing that expressing themselves will lead to rejection or punishment. This conditioning can carry into adulthood, where they may struggle to advocate for their needs or set boundaries, perpetuating unhealthy dynamics in relationships.
Healing Abandonment Wounds
While abandonment wounds run deep, healing is possible with a bit of work and the right support. If this sounds familiar to you, here are some steps you can take to begin the process:
1. Acknowledge the Wound
Healing begins with recognizing and validating your feelings. Allow yourself to name the pain and acknowledge the experiences that contributed to your abandonment wound. Journaling or speaking with a trusted therapist can be helpful tools in this process.
2. Reparent Your Inner Child
Many abandonment wounds are rooted in unmet needs from childhood. Inner child work — a practice of reconnecting with the younger version of yourself — can help you identify those needs and provide them now as an adult. For example, you might visualize comforting your younger self, telling them they are loved, safe, and worthy.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Survivors of emotional abuse often carry harsh inner critics that echo the voices of their abusers. Replace these inner narratives with kind and affirming self-talk. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have needs and that your feelings are valid.
4. Build Healthy Relationships
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, value your emotions, and demonstrate consistency. Healthy relationships can provide a secure foundation for rebuilding trust and safety.
5. Engage in Shadow Work
Shadow work involves exploring the parts of yourself that you’ve suppressed or rejected. For those with abandonment wounds, this might mean addressing fears of being alone, anger at past caregivers, or shame around your needs. Shadow work can help integrate these parts and foster self-acceptance.
6. Seek Professional Support
Therapists, support groups, and trauma-informed coaches can provide guidance and tools tailored to your unique journey. A professional can help you navigate complex emotions and develop strategies for healing.
Moving Forward with Empowerment
Healing from abandonment wounds and emotional abuse is not a linear process. There will be moments of progress and moments of difficulty, but each step you take toward self-awareness and compassion is a victory. Remember, the pain you’ve experienced does not define you; it is part of your story, yes, but you are the author of your story. You can take your pain, heal it, and write a new story for yourself.
You deserve love, safety, and connection, and it starts with building those foundations within yourself. It may take time, but you can learn to trust your voice, know your worth, and step into relationships confidently and clearly.
If you’re ready to start your healing journey, consider exploring shadow work, meditation, or journaling prompts to uncover and address the core beliefs tied to your abandonment wounds. It takes an incredible amount of strength to face our pain and to acknowledge when we need a little help. I would be honored to be your shadow work guide and help you explore your wounds. Please reach out if you need a trauma-informed guide to help you on your way.
Healing is possible, and you are not alone.
